Pretentiousness – A Needed Reflection

“Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” – Proverbs 27:5-6 NIV

Recently someone called me out on being pretentious.  Granted, the circumstances were not the best, but in the spirit of trust and seeking both the truth and understanding, it made sense to really think about what was said to me and consider why.  I’ve been studying out pride extensively in my life lately, and praying about understanding and seeing it more clearly.  Psalm 73:6 says “…pride is their necklace” and a necklace is not something we readily “see” but everyone close to us and those who interact with us can easily “see” it.

Whether someone is a “friend” or not does not change the truth.  However, someone who keeps complimenting you all the time is not a real friend (“…multiplies kisses”).  On the other side of real conflict is the possibility of real friendship and certainly real understanding.  Someone willing to “wound” me has the potential to be a real friend.  Of course, I’ve wounded others out of spite, resentment, pettiness, and my own insecurities, and I wish I could say “…well, I never.”  The truth is, I’ve had my own share of dealing out prideful and reckless words.  “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18 NIV.  “Eat the fish, spit out the bone” as they say.

In fact, pride has been the most damaging factor in my relationships.  The hard truth is that no matter what I say, those around me are going to remember how I made them feel.  Just because I am genuinely unaware of the necklace of pride does not change how pretentious (or proud) I come across.  Ignorance is not an excuse for my “pride necklace.”  I need to seek to understand this spiritual albatross around my neck and own it – so I can actually take it off.  

2026 needs to be a year without pride and pretentiousness, and so I need to think deeply about this, pray about this, now.  In reviewing Google’s definition of “pretentious” and the following AI excerpts (see “SOURCES” below), I can see several places where I’m pretentious and I’m sure there are more!

USING BIG WORDS

I have to consciously remind myself that a large vocabulary and “sophisticated” words don’t prove anything except that I’m unrelatable and “pretentiously” complicated.  Instead of thinking about what I want to say, consider what needs to be said instead.  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29)

I am just now seeing why a co-worker of mine at Disney had such a hard time working with me and getting along with me.  I remember a very pretentious email that I wrote to her team regarding one of the apps they were responsible for.  I used the term “et al” in the email – which was totally pretentious.  I’m certain, if I were to look at my history of interactions with her and other Walt Disney Systems Engineering team members there would be other examples of cluelessly pretentious behavior.  If I could say anything to her now, It would certainly start with “I’m sorry I was so pretentious…”

RELATED: “Obscure Jargon”

“Using niche terms or references that confuse or exclude others unfamiliar with high-level mechanics or with a given topic.”

Soberingly, I’ve done this in many contexts.  My insatiable curiosity is no excuse for a pretentious posture.  Being curious is not the same as being an expert.  I should strive to demonstrate my expertise and not talk about it.  Otherwise, it’s just pretentious self-elevation.  Is my goal mutual understanding or self-importance? “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” (Proverbs 18:2 NIV)

Aside: The other night, I had the privilege of spending some deep talk time with a dear friend, and mentor, Raul Moreno.  I left the conversation with a lot to think about.  It was about seeing my lack of empathy and how I need to grow in my “Emotional Intelligence.”  The conversation stung for sure, but I needed it!  I see God threading these experiences together to answer my prayers to grow in my humility and love.  Instead of looking at the disciples around me and feeling excluded and devalued, look at the lesson in it.  It’s so immature of me to get offended and take things personally.  “No pain, no gain” – as they say.

FAKING INTERESTS & CORRECTING OTHERS

“Pretending to like certain music, art, or food to fit in with a certain group or appear more sophisticated.”

If I don’t know much about it then don’t say anything – except maybe that.  I don’t need to “chime in.”  It’s like that person who is sharing an encouraging toast for someone at a church birthday party or send-off who starts the sharing off with “I don’t really know you much…but…” and then says something that makes those who actually know the person cringe or that is so general that it does not really add anything meaningful.  I can’t be acting like this in any context, online and irl.  This is pretentious and insecure behavior I need to change.  “Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.” (Proverbs 17:28 ESV] “iykyn”

Someone who constantly uses phrases like “well, actually…” or “if you want to get technical” to correct others. 

Everyone in my home often says things like “well actually” or “technically” and are corrective.  I am responsible for training my children (Ephesians 6:1;4) and leading my wife (Ephesians 5:25-31).  This pretentious dynamic I have trained into them and/or failed to correct.  As a father and husband, I am responsible in the eyes of God for the culture and dynamics in my family.  I am called to serve, lead, and manage my own family. “[The Husband/Overseer] must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect.” (1 Timothy 3:4 NIV)

Therefore, this pretentious corrective disposition is present in them as it is from me and I’ve unwittingly encouraged it.  I put this pretentiousness into them.  I have some work to do – but first with my own “plank” in my eye!   

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5 NIV)

I have to make sure I don’t come across like a “know it all” or assuming a posture of expertise.  Usually, if they don’t ask for it, and I give it, it’s not helpful and is pretentious.  Dropping names of popular streamers or references (even if I am actually a fan) in casual conversation can be pretentious because it’s exclusive and paints unnecessary expertise or “culturedness.” 

SOME HELPFUL POSITIVIES

“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21 NIV)

As much as I need to be in touch with what not to do, it helps to know some examples of what to do.  Although the following examples are generally in the context of online gaming, they certainly apply in purpose to all my relationships.

1. Focus on Shared Experience and Authenticity

• Be Authentic, Share Personal Enthusiasm, Acknowledge Your Own Limitations: If you don’t know the answer to a specific question or haven’t played a certain game/genre, simply admit it. There is no shame in having gaps in knowledge. 

2. Prioritize the Other Person’s Experience

• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of lecturing, use questions to understand the other person’s perspective.
  • Instead of: “You should play a real rogue-like.”
  • Try: “What kind of games do you usually enjoy? Have you tried any rogue-likes?”
• Listen Actively: Pay attention to their answers and build on their interests rather than steering the conversation back to your preferred topics or areas of expertise.
• “Don’t Yuck Someone Else’s Yum”: Respect that other people can find enjoyment in things you don’t. If someone likes a game you think is “bad,” focus on understanding why they enjoy it, not why they are wrong. 

3. Use Inclusive Language

• Avoid Derogatory Terms: Refrain from using insults like “pleb,” “meta-slave,” “filthy casual,” or “noob.” These terms are inherently dismissive and create an “us versus them” dynamic.
• Explain Jargon When Necessary: If you are discussing complex mechanics in a game, be prepared to explain terms in simple, everyday language for those unfamiliar with the specifics, but only if they express interest.
• Avoid Stating Opinions as Facts: Phrase your critiques as personal opinions (“I found the combat system a bit repetitive”) rather than objective facts (“The game’s combat system is objectively bad”). Acknowledge that there are multiple valid perspectives on game design.

“Whoever heeds life-giving correction will be at home among the wise. Those who disregard discipline despise themselves, but the one who heeds correction gains understanding. Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor.” (Proverbs 15:31-33 NIV])

SOURCES (TLDR;)

What follows here are definitions and examples gleaned from Gemini AI and a deeper analysis of “pretentious.” I found these very helpful in writing this article.

Google’s Definition of Pretentious: “attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed.”

“What does it mean if someone is pretentious?” (Gemini AI)

General Context
Someone who is pretentious is trying to impress others by pretending to be more important, talented, or cultured than they actually are. This often involves making exaggerated claims, using showy language, or adopting a haughty demeanor to create an undeserved impression of superiority or sophistication. 

Behaviors associated with being pretentious

• Excessive claims: Making unjustified claims about one’s own knowledge, achievements, or importance. 
• “Showing off”: Acting in a way that is unnecessarily ostentatious or showy to attract attention. 
• Using “big” words: Employing jargon or complex vocabulary simply to sound more intelligent, even when simpler language would be clearer. 
• Putting others down: Judging or correcting others to make oneself seem superior, especially on topics they have little experience with. 
• Faking interests: Pretending to like certain music, art, or food to fit in with a certain group or appear more sophisticated. 
• Boasting: Frequently talking about oneself in a way that highlights achievements and ignores areas for improvement. 

Examples of pretentious behavior

• A person who loudly and dramatically swirls and sniffs their wine before describing it in detail, even though they don’t truly understand wine. 
• Someone who constantly uses phrases like “well, actually…” or “if you want to get technical” to correct others. 
• A person who claims to be an expert on a famous author after only seeing a movie adaptation of their book. 
• Someone who insists on using a formal name for an everyday object, like “courgette” instead of “zucchini”

Gamer-Specific Context
A person is considered pretentious if they attempt to impress others by affecting greater skill, knowledge, or status than they actually possess within a specific context, such as gaming. The core of gaming pretentiousness is a display intended to make oneself seem superior, often through a lack of authenticity, an air of entitlement, or by belittling others’ playstyles or gear choices.

Key characteristics in a gaming context often include:

• Gatekeeping: Telling others they aren’t “real gamers” unless they meet specific criteria.
• Elitism: Believing only hardcore playstyles or niche genres are worthy of respect.
• Condescension: Looking down on players who use “easier” methods, casual games, or non-optimal gear.
• Obscure Jargon: Using niche terms to confuse or exclude players unfamiliar with high-level mechanics.

Examples of Pretentious Dialogue
Pretentious gaming dialogue often features unnecessary flexing about achievements, dismissing popular games, or using jargon to subtly imply the speaker is a superior player or has a deeper understanding of game mechanics than the listener.

Here are a few contextual examples:
Example 1: The “Real Gamer” Gatekeeper

• Pretentious Gamer: “Oh, you play [Popular AAA Title]? That game practically plays itself; it’s just a casual power fantasy for the masses. The real challenge, the true artistry of game design, lies in rogue-likes and old-school JRPGs from the ’90s. Anything else is just interactive cinema, frankly.”
• Why it’s pretentious: Dismisses mainstream favorites as “easy” or “casual” to elevate their own niche preferences, implying that others aren’t serious gamers.

Example 2: The Gear Snob (Black Desert Online Specific)

• Pretentious Gamer (BDO): “Wait, is that a PEN Capotia Ring? Oof. You should really be aiming for a Tungrad or Deboreka accessory set by now. Using free season gear past the early game is dreadfully inefficient. Everyone I run with is soft-capped at 700+ GS; anything less is just inefficient grinding, pure pleb stuff.”
• Why it’s pretentious: Uses specific game jargon (“PEN Capotia,” “Deboreka,” “700+ GS,” “soft-capped”) to immediately measure and dismiss the listener’s gear level, implying they are a less serious or efficient player (“pleb stuff”).

Example 3: The Mechanical Purist

• Pretentious Gamer: “Using that specific loadout/build? That’s a meta-slave casual build. It completely bypasses the nuanced synergy of the core mechanics. A true player understands how to optimize a sub-optimal character class just through sheer skill, not just crutching on whatever flavor-of-the-month setup the YouTubers are pushing.”
• Why it’s pretentious: Insults the listener’s effective build as being a “crutch” or “meta-slave,” suggesting only obscure, self-imposed challenges are indicative of a “true player.”